John Zmirak - The Next Doctor of the Church!!!

By Doug INK

With the same knee jerk proclamation that Lino has declared American Idol, "the greatest TV show ever", and his overkilled exclamations of the goodness of Burger King, I, Doug INK, now proclaim John Zmirak, the greatest-modern-day-American-Catholic- satirist (I know that is a little specific, but I didn't want to offend Mark Hart, whose books I have yet to win on "Let's Make a Catholic Deal" or buy used on Amazon). But I digress, I am totally enjoying the time I spend reading "The Bad Catholics Guide to Good Living". Laugh out loud funny. Well, at least to me it is. I have read several of what I thought were hysterical passage to my wife and friends although they smile and admit it is funny, aren't bursting forth with laughter like I did. I think this is, in part, due to the fact that in my mind as I read, I hear John Zmirak's distinguishable voice. (I used distinguishable hear, not to say that Zmirak is distinguished, far from it, but rather he has a very distinct voice).

The book is presented in date order. John starts in January listing and explaining, in his twisted, slightly offkiltered way, the Saints or Feasts of the days of the month . He also throws in a recipe(from Chef Denise Marychowiak) for good measure, (no pun intended) to aid us in our celebration of the feast. Plus you learn some basic Catholic information, for examplethe difference between slander (false gossip) and calumny (true gossip), both ,by the way, are sinful.

One of my favorite entries came on Zmirak's comments for February 14 on the Church's view of sexuality. Summarizing the Church's stance on sex and birth control Zmirak says, "So long as the seed eventually hits the soil, there is no moral limit as to how you mow the grass" Now that pretty much sums it up in one short hysterical sentence, doesn't it. Granted he has mixed two different gardening techniques. Not a total mixed metaphor but close. But this quote exemplifies the zany humor presented through out the book.

Soon I plan on starting a campaign to have Zmirak be declared 34th doctor of the Church. (That is if he doesn't sue me for copyright infringements) . I am hoping this appeal will lead to his eventually canonization after his departure from this earth. I think this cause will not be too difficult to achieve. From what I gather, Zmirak's alcohol consumption should leave his earthly body in a near pickled state which will not allow for any form of decay. A trait found in many deceased saints. (The lack of decay that is, not the alcohol consumption). Also I have already found one miracle to attribute to him - the Catholic Taliban has yet to lynch him.
Coming Soon.........
Bud Light Lime - The Modern Day Liquid Mana!!!!

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5 Responses to John Zmirak - The Next Doctor of the Church!!!

  1. I read the introduction by "Pope Alexander VI" to my school's Catholic Student Club on Friday. I'm trying to show them that I'm not the only offensive AND orthodox Catholic in the world. :-)

    I recently read an article about Zmirak on He said one of his inspirations for writing about Catholic themes in a funny way was comedian George Carlin -- but for opposite reasons. He said Carlin was able to convince a lot of people to reject religion because he eased them into it by being funny. Zmirak wants to do the reverse -- lighten people up with laughter so that the beauty of the faith can be transmitted easier.

  2. I ordered 3 copies of "The Grand Inquisitor" his "Graphic Novel" which I started reading the other day (I'm a slow reader - even WITH pictures)

    I really think this is going to be an important work for the Church and a great way to reach younger people about some difficult things in our faith.

    (By the way "The Bad Catholics Guide" and the second one, the name of which escapes me right now are both excellent and have been helpful to use with college students throughout the year - a lot of fun)

    PS - I do have to say I'm a bit surprised DIK to see you drinking the Lime flavored Bud Light. You go from Blue Moon (not a particular favorite of mine) to that??? Wow, you ARE an enigma

  3. Doug INK says:

    Fr. Jim Chern said...
    PS - I do have to say I'm a bit surprised DIK to see you drinking the Lime flavored Bud Light. You go from Blue Moon (not a particular favorite of mine) to that??? Wow, you ARE an enigma

    I have been Catholic for 40 years, worked at the same job for 20 plus, married 14 years. I am a man of commitment. But when it comes to beer, I am a SWINGER BABY!!!!

  4. Two words Doug: Samuel Adams. Why drink a terrible beer like Bud Light Lime when you can have beers like Brown Ale, Cherry Wheat, or Boston Ale?

    Shame. Shame.

  5. Do like Samuel Adams - but right now, I'm all about Flying Dog Pale Ale - been the beer of choice for awhile...