Kayla plays a song on her Message Amped program by IvoryLine called "Hearts and Minds". As I worked out this morning some of the words of the song really caught my attention. One line goes something like this "My mind isn't quite sure what my heart has bargained for". Here's why.
Sometimes I have to wonder about the timing of certain events. For instance, as I went to bed as I always do with Lino last night, I was trying to find the roast segment of the show. As I was advancing thru the show on my stiletto I saw "Italy Trip" appear on the screen. My emotions conflicted.
When Lino initially announced he was going to guide a tour to Italy with the Crew, I was so in. My wife agreed. We were excited. Had been saving money. But sometimes our plans and God's collide. You see yesterday, the day Lino detailed the trip, was the day that my wife and I made a step to pursue another dream. To expand our family. Yesterday, we signed, notarized and mailed documents, along with a sizable check to a adoption agency. We both have felt a calling to adopt again. It has been on my heart for sometime. My daughter and I took a mission trip to help out orphanages in Guatemala this summer. To see all the children in need of homes convicted me. I connected closely to some of the children. So did my daughter. We wanted to adopt a child we met. However, for reasons beyond our control Guatemala is not open to adoption. So we prayed and contemplated where God wants us to go. He opened and closed doors until my wife and I both felt Ethiopia was where our child was waiting for us.
As we signed the papers. The reality of the situation settled in. As a man the financial aspects arose..........."need a different (bigger) vehicle, larger kitchen table, shouldn't have gave away our crib, highchair and other baby stuff".
Then, and this shows you how LOCO (Lino Obsessive COmpulsive) I am. What unsettled me the most was I knew any chance I had of going to Italy with TCGS was gone. We had the money saved up. Sent a check for $7437. (I figure about what the trip would cost). But with my committent to adoption the trip is no longer viable.
I know it shouldn't bother me. But the fact that I am missing out on this once in a lifetime opportunity does. I am definitely excited to adopt again. It is something I want to do. It's just that I wish I could have had both. But good and easy are two different things. Lino alludes to this often as he perseveres through criticism and staffing problems on TCGS. Not to give the Devil to much credit but he does like to distract us from what is important. To frustrate and aggravate in the hope that we quit. (And for more than a one day retirement).
And why should I care? Isn't Rome going to be there in the future.? As an infrequent blogger do I feel a need to justify my position? That I am a BIG fan of the show and as a fellow tourer I will validate myself? Ah, the old applause of strangers rears it's ugly head. Are me and TCGS staff suddenly going to be BFF? I sure would have liked to meet them and some of the friends I've made on Facebook via the show.
I am going to wait a day to post this until Christmas. A day when the fewest amount of people will check out this site. I don't want or need any comments. But where else am I suppose to vent this? My wife and friends won't understand. They don't get the camaraderie one feels by being part of the Cathpack. A bond that no doubt will intensify with those making the trip to Italy. I will have to give my stilletto to my wife the week the show airs from there. To keep it away from me. I don't think it will be healthy for me to listen to it.
I struggled with whether I should post this or not. Is this Lino worthy topic? I hope I didn't overstep my privileged position of a CGS blogger. If you read this far.......thanks for listening.

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1 Response to HEART VS MIND

  1. Hey Jim (aka D.I.K.)
    What an honest blog posting! And I'm glad that in my over-tired-too-sleep- Christmas night haze I should be surfing and find myself reading it.

    I cannot help but point out how appropriate it is that you were moved to post this on Christmas Day as we are on the verge of the Feast of the Holy Family.

    What makes Christmas, Christmas is that God comes to us.

    What makes the Holy Family, holy is finding Christ there in the midst of a family.

    It is totally understandable the sense of loss and frustration you are having over not going on the trip. But you can post better than I that it will never equate to the joys, the wonders and the surprises that God has in store for you in, yet another act of selflessness on the part of you, your wife and your family to welcome another little one into your family.

    Your plans may have been "upset" but don't allow them to "upset" your spirit (which I doubt you would) Come August 2010, when the Rome trip is but a memory, you will have the presence of Christ before you in the precious face of a little child looking at you.

    - Hope that made sense... Priests are a bit out of it on Christmas night :)

    Father Jim